I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
