if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
