This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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