Pants 0. Shit 1.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
