wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
