Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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