I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She's just so happy...and so naked.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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