I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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