I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
