I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just took my morning after pill in the library
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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