even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
organizing the empties. That sober.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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