Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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