Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
