buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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