I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
