i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
