just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
