Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
