I faked an abortion last night.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
