Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So vagazzling was a success
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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