capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
