Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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