Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
