Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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