I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
