I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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