When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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