see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
