Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
