Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
