On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
