I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
