It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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