there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
