we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
either way he was missing a nipple.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
