just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
