Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
