I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
