I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
