i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
