Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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