when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
