My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
