im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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