she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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