I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
