Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize