Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He had one of those small greek statue penises
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
