I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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