I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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