Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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