oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize