it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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