for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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