The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
