I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
